“It go Halle Berry or hallelujah—pick your poison, tell me what you doin…”
— Kendrick Lamar, Money Trees
The other day, I was listening to Money Trees by Kendrick Lamar, and those specific lyrics reminded me of how our actions have consequences, even when it comes down to relationships and love. Believe it or not, we actively choose the kind of romantic love we experience. Sometimes that choice is conscious, but often it’s shaped by our past, our beliefs, and what feels familiar. And if we’re not careful, we may mistake toxicity for passion, choosing relationships that slowly poison us.
Toxic Relationships: The Poison We Think Is Love
Toxic love doesn’t always look toxic at first. It can feel exciting, even intoxicating, like a high you don’t want to come down from. But like a slow-acting poison, your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and sense of security can gradually break down, making it harder to recognize the damage being done.
Signs You May Be in a Toxic Relationship:
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The emotional rollercoaster: One day they make you feel like the most special person in the world. The next, they pull away, leaving you questioning everything.
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Possessiveness disguised as love: “I just don’t want to lose you” can sound sweet, but when it comes with control and jealousy, it’s not love. It’s fear.
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Walking on eggshells: You feel like you always have to watch what you say or do to avoid setting them off.
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Fear-based attachment: You stay not because you’re happy, but because leaving or being alone feels worse.
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Breakup-makeup cycles: The highs are so good that they make you forget the lows… until the cycle starts again.
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Losing yourself: You used to have dreams, hobbies, and a life outside the relationship. Now, everything revolves around them.
It’s easy to mistake toxic love for something deep and passionate. But real love doesn’t leave you confused, drained, or constantly questioning your worth.
Healthy Relationships: Choosing Something Better
Love shouldn’t feel like a drug. It should feel like home.
Signs of a Healthy Relationship:
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Consistency and emotional security: You don’t have to guess where you stand. Love is given freely, not dangled in front of you like something you have to earn.
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Respect and boundaries: You’re allowed to have your own space, voice, and needs without fear of punishment.
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Open and honest communication: Disagreements happen, but they don’t turn into toxic fights, manipulation, or silent treatment.
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Love without fear: You’re not scared of losing them every time you express your feelings.
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Growth and encouragement: The relationship adds to your life instead of taking from it.
Healthy love isn’t boring. It’s freeing.
The Choice Is Yours
Are you choosing relationships that nurture you or ones that drain you? Sometimes breaking the cycle is hard, but it’s necessary.
If you’re ready to redefine your relationships and heal from toxic patterns, we’re here to help. At St. Augustine Counseling, we’re dedicated to guiding individuals toward secure, fulfilling relationships, starting with the one they have with themselves. Let us support you in discovering the healthy, loving relationships you truly deserve.
